blessings February 9, 2010

I love my job. I am writing for my dissertation. Every day, God shows me mercy, grace and hope in all I do; in the lives I touch, in the ones that appreciate my presence. In the Work and works that save my life. I am getting all those parts of myself I had sacrificed to do good; I am getting the intent, the real sisterhood, the humanity I had left behind years ago to learn, truly, my human limitations. 

Still, there is an overwhelming sense of guilt and sorrow that plagues me, despite knowing the injustices i suffered, that i endured out of others’ ignorance, fear and anger. I still lose sleep over it, despite having a dream job, reconnecting with old friends and regrounding my sense of personal, political and spiritual purpose. I am not yet fully whole. My dreams are as full and rich as I had forgotten. I had gone months without dreaming. My poetry, my poetic voice, the foundation of all I had done; the fiction writer that prompted my desire to live. She is still unconcious. Every time I feel her waking, she is still full of anger and sorrow; she still wants to fight for…the unnamed.

the embodiment of sacrifice December 27, 2009

Sue Monk Kidd, in Dissident Daughter, talks about how a woman breast feeding is parallel to the ways in which Jesus sacrificed his life for our sins. A woman in giving of her body to the nourishment of others, not only in birthing but in giving of her flesh and nutrients after birth to the child in her arms, does give a great deal.

I titled this “the embodiment of sacrifice” because of the way we paint it. Also because I am grappling with the fine line between sacrifice, martyrdom and imposed negative stigma on both and how it functions to justify ignorance.

I have just started the book and, given that I was reluctant to read it,  I am looking for divergent forms of feedback of what others thought of it.

stairs December 22, 2009

I keep dreaming of stairs, of movement whether in cars, stairs, trains, wondering where to go, how high to climb, if I should get out of the car at all.

hardened heart again December 4, 2009

An idea, a metaphor I have been playing with for the past few months, an idea about compartmentalizing one who is oppressed in a multitude of ways–specifically, race, gender and sexuality–took place. In a place near and dear to me. I am not sure what to do with the coincidence, however strategic it is to the metaphor I was writing about. Someone died and their story, the way it was covered did to them in the afterlife, what was done to them while living: defined, confined and tore up for the sake of another’s glory…

That’s not something to celebrate, to condone. It has been keeping me from sleeping. Dreams are even more tormenting, reminding me of past events I hope and pray to eradicate from memory.

It is the metaphor of dismemberment as a result of being nonwhite and ‘queer.’ (the person’s actual gender identity and or sexual orientation, despite what’s been written, I am wary to identify)

forgiveness November 26, 2009

How to forgive, not forget and be paralyzed with the memory of regret?

airport dream November 16, 2009

I had a dream at an airport, where a close friend picked me up.  I had been thinking about going back…A college friend came to pick me up. And, considering what’s been going on, it was weird that it was this person. The day has long passed and so bits and pieces are missing. I was getting off the plane and this friend of mine was picking me up by the luggage, if I had any. I don’t think I had a lot. I was thinking about the amount of luggage I had, if I had one carry on or two–maybe I was leaving instead of being picked up.

interesting news from dc November 15, 2009

I found this via ‘queering the church,’ Fr. Martin is the blogger.

respect November 15, 2009

I listened to a conversation about ‘respect’ and how, if we follow rules, and do not respond to injustices imposed on us with the rage it sometimes inspires, then we’ll be honoring God…it was difficult to hear because, who does that approach work for? Is it more than a question of faith?

Also- the conversation somehow ended with this quote from Revelations 3:20:

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me

on calling November 13, 2009

To take a step back and see how sacrifice in vain leads to a great many more injustices is disheartening. In secular theory, self-interest, even among those who claim to be about justice, rules. The rule is- regardless of what one does, that’s the driving factor. In a conversation of self-love, in contrast, and human limitation, it is important to think about and consider the overwhelming sense of purpose and duty and responsibility.

Turning from God had become a survival tactic. I had forgiven and been patient and compassionate with others in such a manner that lead me to believe all I had done in the name of other’s humanity made me equal to, somehow, Jesus’ sacrifice. When mine was in a vain attempt to pursue freedom and justice for myself without hurting anyone. I can’t control that. I had come to believe that because I used scripture to go against my instincts and the advice of those I believed were God fearing only to learn their advice–everyone’s advice was about their self-preservation. Justice nor love had nothing to do with it. Sharing my joy had been about being completely ecstatic that I finally was able to have something a dream of mine be mine. And it ended up being a greater lie than all their feigned support and encouragement.

The childhood dreams of being an award winning writer or going back to teach at my old schools or a great dancer. Those dreams among others, were easy to give up because they weren’t the most profound for me. And, as for the writing, I have not published my fiction, but I’ve published poetry, articles and, among peers, am celebrated. It is the last dream I dabble in but have yet to fully pursue.

For the sake of the sins I had allowed against me, against others, and the sins I committed, I am keeping myself guarded. The post on suffering, I had written for another blog, and the lack of responses, leave much to be considered. It is speaking out as intensely and passionately against injustice, at times to the point of being overwhelmed and exhausted into temporary silence, which I’ve quit. In the end, it harmed more than inspired and I beg to question the purpose of asking to be loved beyond difference, because of difference and have that love inspire, have that love in grappling with persecution and yet longing for liberation and be honest and imperfect, still have God in it.

hardened heart November 8, 2009

Today’s scripture used to be moving, contending with the implications of sacrifice and the selfishness present in it. How do we know if we have given all we have? If we haven’t tried, if we have, and to who do we give it, on what account–to those whose needs are apparent or to those who ask for it because they are courageous/desperate enough? Blessed are they who are poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of God; blessed are they who are meek and humble, for they shall inherit the Earth.

These are a few of the beatitudes and, at times strength in spirit one day can translate into weakened spirit the next and call for a greater need to be able to give of oneself than is in the spirit’s capacity. The questions stem from the dichotomy of living of the world vs. in the world. How do we serve the poor in such frustration? Certainty is often explained as an opposite to faith; doubt works when/if comes from the same longing to connect to Truth and Love. …